Finally an Update: The Final Rammer

I figured it was about time for an update. 

Eeeek. My blog has been sorely neglected for the past however many months. As most of you know, this is because all of my time and energy have been going into growing a human.  And not just any human: our last tiny human. The Final Rammer. *Cue Music*

After an early loss in February, we were blessed in March to find out our little nugget was coming. It was a roller coaster of emotions, as anything with babies and fertility so often is. I couldn’t let myself be truly excited at first, especially since we had experienced two losses before our third child was born. I couldn’t help it. I naturally look for patterns and data and everything was telling me to be cautious.

But before too long, I started to feel absolutely terrible, which of course was a good sign. I would have two or three good days, followed by a day of vomiting every 30 minutes or so. Sounds great, right? Add to that commitments, meetings, oh, and three children to keep alive and thriving, and it was a tough couple of months.

If you’ve been there you know, it wears on you. I felt depressed and hopeless, wondering if it would ever end. (Would this be the pregnancy that it lasted all nine months?!) It was so bad that when we had our first ultrasound, I made the tech check MULTIPLE times to be sure there was only one baby in there. But one there was, looking healthy and perfect. Before long, two or three good days turned into several weeks, and then months since I had gotten sick. We found out our rainbow baby would be our third boy. That meant letting go of the bins of baby girl clothes I had been holding onto for close to seven years, and mourning the loss of all things girly.

I had a beautiful summer, feeling mostly okay and enjoying making memories with my family.

 Annnnnnnd now I’m on the other side. The home stretch. The “how is it possible to be this tired and huge and still have 8-9 weeks left” side. My blood work recently showed I am severely anemic, so I get to take iron TWICE a day. (again, if you know, then you know…) And my acid reflux is so severe that almost every night I wake up choking. It’s super fun.

I know, I know, I signed up for this. Heck, I prayed for this. I should be grateful to be able to do this myself and have children. And I am. Make no mistake: my husband and I have had multiple conversations about how lucky we are. And I look for things to be thankful for every day. The biggest thing that I am thankful for is the unmistakable feeling that we are done. After my third baby, everyone said, “You’ll know when you’re done.” WE. ARE. DONE. The feeling is loud and clear and has been since those early sick days. That feeling has allowed me to take in certain experiences (positive and negative) and be present in the moment, knowing it was my last time.

Even after describing all the horrors of the past seven months, I feel the twinge of melancholy knowing I’m almost done. These years of tracking ovulation and pregnancy tests and nursery colors and pacifiers are almost done. But the truth is, even though it’s bittersweet, I’m so ready. I’m ready for the next stages of homework tears and travel sports and not having anyone yell, “I need help wiping!” from the next room.

So that’s where I’ve been, and where I’m headed. In all of that, I did manage to squeak out some rough drafts and sneak in some editing. I continue to be a querying writer, working to improve my craft. And once I have held my last tiny human in my arms for the first time, I will shift back to dreaming of holding a different kind of baby in my arms for the first time…the kind with 32 pages and my name on the cover.

Emily Ramquist